Shutting down has begun

I have what feels like is the worst thing in the world to have. I have bipolar. It makes my life million times harder than what I would like it to be. It turns my world upside constantly! I get so angry that I take it out on my family and friends but mostly my family. Its gotten so bad that my family wants nothing to do with me. It doesn't help when they don't have any faith in me which makes me think why I am even living. I am giving up hope. I am shutting down once again. Letting myself fail in school, losing the happiness/alive feeling I usually have, and just feeling that there is nothing left.


I leave for college in 8 months and I can't wait but I never thought I would have made it this far three years ago. Hell, three years ago, I didn't even think I would be alive. I am pushing myself as hard as I can to not give up and to not let the depression through. So far, I have been strong but I can't always be strong. No one can always be strong besides God. I know I should put all my faith and trust into him but its hard to do when you are at the bottom and you can't get up on your own. I feel like I am stuck at the bottom of the well and I can't reach the rope to help me out and to be free. Then, more ropes appear. Some long some short... No matter what I can't reach it. I can't get out! Free me!

Just Another Year

School started this week sadly! It is finally my senior year! I can not wait to graduate and move onto to college. I hope to attend MSU in Mankato and become a Maverick.
It has been an interesting school year already. I enjoy my schedule. Its very simple and easy for me, which is great for being my first school year being under my meds for my medical problem(s). It is very different. Go to school. Then, come home and crash on the couch and sleep. I sleep all the way up til morning when I have to do it all over again. I really don't know why I am so tired but it is annoying.
I applied to be Stage Manager for Theatre this year. I hope I get it! I don't think I will though. I will be very disappointed if I don't. That probably doesn't make sense to you at all or you don't really care. Oh well! Its my blog!
Oh I am forced to take Government this semester! There is so many stupid people in that class, I swear its the worse thing alive! It makes me wish I took APLG which is the honors class for it but that would have been to much work. I really wish there was an inbetween class for people who are smart but don't want to take honors classes.

P.S. This is just a pure bullshit blog post. Just felt like writing.. Oh I just thought of an idea for a new blog post. I promise its way better than this one!

Stop Negative Behavior

My blog is a spot where I am supposed to let out what I am feeling in a good healthy clean way. Its my expression and my opinions. I like constructive criticism. Calling me a stupid bitch through a comment on my blog is not going to happen any more. All comments like that have been removed. They didn't really bother me. The comments were just annoying. By law, I have every right to state my opinions. If you don't like them, be smart and walk away. Why start drama up? That is just the classic high schooler or middle schooler move. How about growing up?

People have been teased so much that they have decided to bring guns to school and shoot up the school. I am not saying that I would or will ever do that but what is usually the reason that those people do that? Oh yes, its because people have teased them so much that they want to do something about it. So think the next time you say something that can be hurtful to people. I try to be very aware of what I say as not to hurt people. Smile at a person passing in the hall. You might make their day. Just over all be nice. I know I can't change the world but I can change myself and I can try to change the people in this world who are close to me. But if they don't want to then that is up to them.

Just try to think of others before you say something or do something. You can make a difference in the world. I know its hard to do this when you feel like your world is crumbling beneath you. Trust me, I have been there and experienced it many times before. Go out and volunteer some place! It might just be the thing to cheer you up.

Heart Break

Just recently I have been hurt again. This time its just too much. He didn't even give me a chance. Why does heart break have to hurt so bad? I realize it just makes me stronger but it also makes me go off the edge. Then, I have no one to go to and talk really. He said he always will be there for me but it seems like he is lying and he is really busy too. I turn to his best friend who became a good close friend to me and it seems like he is not there either. I need that one guy to be a friend and just sit there and let me cry on his shoulder. I say a guy because girls tend to have more drama which already surrounds me. I just wish it all would end. My meds don't seem to be helping either. I just feel so alone and I don't know what to do about it. I tried to do something about it the other night but I stopped. Still dealing with the after effects. I wish I would have continued though cause I sure can't take any more of this. Then other people put their stress on me. I don't mind when its people who actually need my help but when people come to me with their petty little boy problems like "oh I haven't heard from him in days. Im going to kill myself". I know that is a little over dramatized but its pretty close. Looking at this blog at the larger picture, I realized that I have used alot of 'I's. That seems like such a selfish thing to do. There are other people out there. Yes, I realize I just did a 180 switch of conversation but hey I am bipolar so leave me alone. I feel like I always have to be perfect but yet I always mess up. Perfect for my parents, for college, for God, for everyone else! When will I ever do something for myself?

Hoes Over Bros

So the saying goes Hoes over Bros and the opposite for guys Bros over Hoes. I wish this simple saying would work in life. I just got into a big huge fight with my best friend. We have been friends for 4 years now and she lets her boyfriend get in the way of our friendship. Maybe I'm jealous, Maybe I'm not! The point is a guy is not supposed to ruin a friendship. It probably would help if he and I were not attracted to each other simply because we get each other and have bipolar and everything. But what gives her the right to say that he and I cant be friends to talk to each other. I dont have anyone else that I can talk to about this. My bipolar scares me. I have no idea whats going on. To have someone there to talk about it to is the best thing in the world. It just hurts that my best friend tries and takes that away from me. and Its not something I can talk to her about. She wont understand the dreams or the medication not working. GAAAAAAAAAA I would just love to go to a canyon or a cliff and just scream and let out all of my anger but obviously I cant do that. I can't do anything I want or right. Problems just keep piling up. First family problems, then boy problems, and now best friend problems. I hope I figure all of this out before school starts!

Curse the Cursed Place of Videos

Why do videos take so long to load on the Internet sometimes? I'm simply sitting here watching Pretty Little Liars. It's taking a hour and a half just to this point (20:35) when it is about 45 minutes long. How fair is that to the viewer? And why can't the buffering take faster than watching the video its self. Sometimes, I just wish the world was easier and simple. Thats the best way I say so.



Commericals!! GRRR!!!!! They are the second annoying thing. Or if you are Youtube and the little speech ad bubbles pop up while you are watching a video!! There is no point of them! Youtube was never like that before! And all of the Vevo videos on there take longer than any other videos to load. Youtube is just not the same



Oh great.. Its now storming.

Rant about iTunes

How hard could it possibly be to keep track of my 1991 songs plus 1 music video, 2 podcasts, and other parts to it? Well FREAKING hard for Apple's iTunes.

Evidence #1
I just re-downloaded Linkin Park's Meteora album. I go to check out if iTunes actually downloaded the album artwork cause it is annoying and boring to see the non-album artwork symbol on my iPod. Anyways, what do they put in the artwork area? They put Linkin Park's String Quartet Tribute album artwork for Meteora in instead. HELLO! Its not the Sting Quartet Tribute one. I gave that one to my ex-bf since he plays the freaking cello and would like it!

Evidence #2
Is it just me or does iTunes have updates every week? They pop up with their little reminder saying "There is a new update for iTunes. Would you like to download it?". Of course, you click yes thinking that just maybe iTunes will be better. NO! They suck even more with the confusing new things they added and is very hard to get around now! STOP COMING UP WITH UPDATES, iTUNES!

Evidence #3
I would like to buy more games on my iPod. Realize this, I have a 4th generation video iPod Nano. Anyways, I like playing games on my iPod right before I go to sleep some nights. Well, the only game I really play is Solitare (sp?). I have like 200 and some plays on it. Thats because they don't really have any other better default games so I bought Cake Mania a while back. WELL THAT ONE SUCKS! So now, I want to buy a new game but are they any where to be found. NO! All that you can get is the iPod touch applications. Hello... Thats not the only iPod! (Btw, if you have any idea about this and Im just being blind, please point it out towards me on where in the iTunes store I can find games for the iPod nano.)

Evidence #4
Everyone is a little guilty of getting their music else where instead of iTunes where you have to pay for it, right? So thats what I did. Well some music can only be found on a movie soundtrack. For example, Linkin Park's New Divide can only be found on the Transformers soundtrack. So I have the song picked out and I go and get it from a different source (Limewire). Then, transfer it to iTunes. I make sure the album name matches up perfectly to the ones on iTunes Store. I click Get Album Artwork. Message comes up "Sorry, this artwork could not be found." WHAT? BULLS*#@. FAIL!

Evidence #5
I own the Black Ice album of AC/DC so i put in into my computer to go onto iTunes so I have it on my iPod. I download it. It finishes and no artwork comes up. I click "Get Album Artwork". Message comes up "This album artwork could not be found." I check iTunes and of course they dont have the album in their store. Wtf? Its AC/DC, one of the greatest rock bands ever. Not only has this happened to my AC/DC album but also to my Beatles cd and Kid Rock cd. Does that make any sense that three great bands/artists that are so well known don't even have their albums on iTunes, one of the major ways to get music now these days?

Oh, I could go on forever, it seems. Have any comments, you know what to do with them.

Summary of this note: iTunes fails and needs to figure some stuff out! Seriously!!!